a place of execution

Jul. 22nd, 2017 10:25 pm
tree: cropped shot of scully's mouth, chin and nose in the top right corner ([xf] i'll just be waiting here)
[personal profile] tree
even now, with everything i know about memory—how easily it can be manipulated, how the act of recollection changes the memory itself—there is still a part of me that feels betrayed by my childhood self. and i wonder if the reason that i have no memories of my early years is because i had to erase them in order to participate in the lie of my parentage. i helped to deceive myself.

/consider: a word problem

if x = 3 (my mother married my stepfather) and y = 6 or 7 (my earliest memories), calculate the distance from one truth to another.
there were two trains. they were going at what speed?

/consider: the self as a city

i razed it and rebuilt.
no tracks and no disputed ground.

/consider: the present tense

how do i trust myself?
how do i forgive?
'an indeterminate or undefined place or state.'
princessofgeeks: (Default)
[personal profile] princessofgeeks posting in [community profile] sg1_missionreport
Tomorrow, July 15, is the last day to sign up for this year's slash ficathon featuring Jack/Daniel. Commitment is a minimum of 1,000 words for this gift exchange ficathon, and all ratings are allowed and welcomed.

Signup post is here.

It's the ficathon's 14th year!


Jul. 10th, 2017 10:39 am
tree: a black and white photo of a person from the waist down holding a gas mask and a gun ([else] but also not two)
[personal profile] tree
we are delicate balances.

my brain sucks up its own neurotransmitters too quickly, too eager for its own good. that's half the story. and i, like a good little science experiment, open my mouth for each new drug wondering if this will be the foot that fits my slipper. slipping on chemicals like dresses, looking for the one that suits me best. shows off my good features. hides my flaws.

and they tell us quite honestly, we don't know how they work. we don't know the long-term effects. we don't know the permanent damage they might do. how they might remake you, un-make you, scramble your brain, zombifie, compress you hard as diamond so you're shatterproof and ready to cut. we don't know what is temporary and what is for good.

funny how 'for good' also means 'like it or not'.

we tell ourselves it's better than the alternative. after a while you start to wonder: what if it wasn't really so bad before? what if i'm misremembering? i'm crazy, right? can't be trusted to know my own mind. what's left of it. but there's also the fear that maybe you're right. this is it: your best life. take what you can get and be grateful because it can always get worse.

cut the string of a kite and it's released into the wind. it comes down eventually in someone's backyard, or a tree in a field, true. but that's nothing to do with you.


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June 2011

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